I voted early, mostly because there’s no parking at my local polling place, but also because this is the most vile election season I’ve ever experienced and I just want it to be over. I voted the way you’d expect, like the pinko commie liberal I am—for a woman president, gun control, and legal marijuana—and I darkened those little ovals with fucking glee. But I crossed party lines on one issue—to vote against the current prohibition on plastic grocery bags, which let me be clear, is a form of extortion, no doubt brought to us by the same assholes responsible for the tinker-toy of cars, the Prius, and the no good, very bad idea of low-flush toilets. These assholes banned plastic grocery bags so they could charge ten cents a pop for paper alternatives that used to be free while we all rush the trash bag aisle at Target to buy kitchen garbage bags that are made of…wait for it…plastic...because those ten cent bougie paper alternatives are shit for bagging up your wet coffee grounds and discarded, gin-soaked lime wedges. Your only other option is to bring your own reusable tote bags so that you can carry your grocer’s e-coli from your car to your countertop and back to your car again, all while sporting an accessory that only works for a lesbian in Tevas. Does this beige Save-The-Whales tote go with my Louboutins? said no one ever.
You want to make America great again? Bring back the civilized and sanitary single-use bag. Fill the end of every grocery check-out line with glorious stacks of plastic. White plastic. Black plastic. Yellow, blue, and green plastic. Drive a Prius off the road. Flush a toilet twice. Fight the spread of e-coli. Abolish the ten-cent tax on working moms just trying to bag their eggs and milk. Save the children. Make a lady in Tevas feel pretty.